… the value of inner conflict …

Democracy starts inside us. One way to explore our inner crowd is through allowing the different aspects of our personality to have a voice, including ones we dislike or suppress, like parts burdened with shame, self-loathing and self-hate. Together with their inner persecutors and defenders, they tend to pop up involuntarily with strong emotional force during stress, or an experience that all too often had its first traumatic installment way back in childhood.

During a 1980s training with the Psychosynthesis Institute in London, we gave names to what we called our sub-personalities. The concept encapsulated what I had sensed for a long while, that I host various distinct entities inside me that can spring to live with their unique voices, interests, sensitivities and defenses in response to circumstances.

Take a dwelling that houses a family of all ages. From day to day there are debates, intimidation, fights, making up, tenderness, fun, humour, but always reoccurring conflicts, like an angered sibling can easily spark a massive row. Then ask who is in charge? A family with conflicting needs lives inside each of us.

As baby, toddler, teen, young adult and so on, we succeed or fail in overcoming obstructions. We learn, or unlearn. Ideally we mature and the understanding of ourselves deepens. Some memories we cherish, others we bury. Yet each time a traumatic condensed experience re-occurs, dormant anxieties may explode and cause us to overreact to situations out of all proportions.

The needy child seeking attention is easily recognised. Where early hope for safety and acknowledgement was frustrated, the inner child in the adult draws on an arsenal of acquired strategies, be it nagging, crying, pleading, pleasing, withdrawal, or, equally, rage. Stonewalling and sarcasm can serve as defense. The little person in us may have been confused by contradictory demands, manipulated by a toxic parent or severely damaged through abuse, yet still struggles for acceptance and love.

Another well-worn sub-personality opts for control, a no nonsense character, who detests, let’s say, hesitation and vulnerability. So when a firm response to a present situation is required, this despot may simply order the child to pipe down and shut up. End of story. You get the drift.

Internal conflicts can be harsh. Without awareness of the warring cast in us, we tend to blame others for our upsets. Alternatively we punish ourselves. Identifying and befriending judgmental players is vital before we can reach the vulnerable and fearful part that has become numb and possibly unconscious, or discover the creative dreamer that was ridiculed. Or, indeed, lift a dis-empowered warrior, who must learn to say ‘No!’

Without a mentor, this awareness journey is a daunting task.

Unable to afford Jungian analysis, my spiritual search become an escape from what I saw as our revengeful, destructive and corrupt world.

Meeting a remarkable, brilliantly creative Sufi teacher, who embraced psychology as a basis for the spiritual quest, was my turning point in the mid 1970s.  Grounding and digging started with a workshop called ‘Earthing.’

I had had a wild life up to then, a path I don’t regret. My empathy and patient listening lacked skill, but attracted interesting and eccentric people into my life. However, I needed to accept my limits, and better understand myself, others, and the absurd world we are born into, with the inherited traumas from our parents’ and generation before them.

World objects from my sand tray

A welcome to my inner journey was imaginative play, giving voice to the different parts of myself through monologues, imagery, objects, drama, art, sculpting, painting and writing, etc., all effective in daring to acknowledge conflicting needs. Due to choices enforced by my early environment, I host a philosopher and poet at odds with each other, as well as a cynic and a romantic. Their conflicts are as creative as they are intimidating.

In the digital realm people have come to make up aliases based on their ambivalent shadow aspects, like appearing in different disguises on Twitter, sometimes for the sole fun of contradicting each other. As a writer one might contemplate publishing trash genre that sells well, under pseudonyms, though it seems crass, like a soloist hijacking the performance of a symphony.

Stepping aside from internal conflict, invites my unbiased mediator. My quick route to self-remembrance is saying ‘hello’ to my body, whose every cell holds a record of old wounds. The body (the earth by implication) has endured horrendous exploitation, and to call it into awareness, with all its scars, is a huge challenge for some people.

‘You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves … ‘
from Wild Geese by Marie Oliver  

In the present global turmoil, my inner child craves empathy and compassion to endure the pain of the world, including pain I feel observing how some public figures ignorantly out-ward their inner stress through creating enemies – divide and conquer – a steely defense, and a betrayal of the heart. Then again, truth to  the face rarely convinces, it lacks depth, and blunts out the whispers from the dark.

Many brilliant books facilitate psychological understanding, but when it comes to moving through a dark tunnel (also called the Night Sea Journey) it is best to seek a skilled companion as guide. In my therapy practice I came upon heart-breaking stories of abuse, especially sexual abuse. The last few decades have shown the full horror of such deeply intrusive and traumatising incidents, and how widespread they are, across all social settings.

‘You’re not alone’ … is the message by Tim Ferris, in a recent very moving and powerful podcast he conducted with Debbie Millman.

PRESS HERE for his Healing Journey after Childhood Abuse (including an extensive resource list)

He ends with a beautiful re-framing of suffering … The obstacles are the path.

This attitude brings meaning to our mysterious existence, to our individual and collective journeys. Obstacles force us to question rules, habits and behaviour. Suffering through adversity, hardship, ignorance, injustice and violence teaches us empathy for each other, and expands consciousness towards our interdependence and essential wholeness.

I could add a list of books here, but if the above concepts speak to you, click on the Tim Ferris link, even if you choose not to listen to his podcast, scroll down his page and find a list of books and resources.

To end this post, despite all grounding over the years, I’m still at heart a space cadet, exploring time travelling in ‘Shapers,’ the sequel to my first novel, ‘Course of Mirrors.’


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18 responses to “… the value of inner conflict …

  1. just prior to reading this i was looking at the lyrics of the Who song ‘Eminence Front’… strange synchronicity.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Rob

    Thank you Ashen. Forgiveness, not least self-forgiveness, seems to be in the air today, for some reason, as we begin to transit the Autumn Equinox.
    A Sufi friend sent me an email this morning which said, “As you pass this way, bless everything you can.”
    And a friend who is an Anglican vicar just now emailed me this week’s pyschologically- based sermon on the subject of forgiveness. Difficult to make much progress with out it!
    One world, one life
    Rob x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sometimes, at crossroads, a process of determining a direction kicks in and it is worthwhile to stay there for a while, no matter how uncomfortable. Rushing ahead is deceptively easy. I have days when I feel impelled to bless every person or object I meet. It makes me feel better, that’s all. The genuine power to bless and forgive comes from a very deep place, which I don’t feel ready to talk about.


  3. I just wish all those inner voices and personalities would sort it out for themselves, and to please leave me out of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Elmer Koole

    Thank you Ashen! You describe working with sub personalities is such a clear and beautiful way . Honouring and respecting all these different voices with my self did remind me on Rumi’s poem The Guesthouse
    All love,

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
    meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whatever comes.
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Thanks Ashen, deep and meaningful post. We all have a Medusa and Mother Theresa within us; which one we feed makes all the difference. Maybe that’s an extreme example. I’m only too aware of my personal conflicts, but as has been said in many ways, the wound is the path towards healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading, Susanne. You have studied deep in this area. Just thought, there probably wouldn’t be a Mother Theresa character without Medusa. I had fun using a version of the latter in ‘Shapers,’ the sequel to CoM I hope to publish.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I can identify with lots of the subpersonalities you mentioned. I am always aware that they are there somewhere just beneath the surface, ready to appear in response to whatever life brings up for me. I recognize them as old friends that at some point were there to protect me. These days I tend to ask myself if I really need them anymore. Some I do and some I don’t. My inner child plays a role in my life these days, not so much the wounded part as the playful child that has a kind of wonderment about her, which can get lost in childhood memories and anything creative I am doing. I too notice the absurdity and cruelty of the world around us. I take comfort in knowing a creator that has it all in hand and really loves me for all my faults and this allows me to forgive myself and to be myself in all my idiosynchrasies. It also helps me to accept others more. May peace descend like a pretty butterfly in your garden.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The child, such a privilege to have its trust and creativity alive in you.
      Thank you for the butterfly. I enjoy watching some white ones doing their tumbling dance in front of my window. Will be thinking of you.


  7. Interesting angle: democracy, special interests curbed by checks and balances established through government – executive branch, legislative branch, judicial branch (Id, Ego, Superego). One speaks of “one’s constitution,” one’s strengths and weaknesses. And some seek Plato’s enlightened monarch to rule over those masses wrestling like worms within one’s mental compost – composition. Organ I Say Zone. Or some turn to stone, stoned, inside and out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Joe, for this apt take on my post. Re: the present world constitution. It carries a chill of petrification … executives have the sway, legislators use a weather vane for guidance & the judicial branch is power-drunk.
      Oracles are not consulted, but they use the elements to communicate.
      Great image
      … the masses wrestling like worms within one’s mental compost …

      Liked by 1 person

  8. So much of this speaks to me. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. goodness, Ashen – here I see that I’ve invited you before – well it’s no wonder, because you are indeed a gifted writer 🙂 hoping your work with your sequel is going well

    Liked by 2 people

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