… answers to questions we dare not ask …

Could it be that we frequently get answers to questions we dare not ask, allowing us to ignore certain messages? When do we challenge an issue and when do we keep silent and move on? Maybe I’m naive, but given my peculiar tolerance for uncertainty, I tend to trust in the random timing of guardian angels.

In der Eng 1954Last night, in a dream, I jumped from the ground onto a flat roof by sheer determination. Then someone asked me to repeat the feat, in the manner of a scientific trial. A ridiculous request – nothing is ever repeated under the same circumstances, try as you might. It’s as far as I got with this dream. I’ve no idea what the flat roof represents, apart from maybe having my first novel aired, which has been waiting to be launched with my small publisher since 2013.

Yes, I’m frustrated, and tempted to self-publish, instead, it looks as if I need to secure money for my father’s care and funeral. He decided not to die and plans to reach a hundred. While he requires support with basic daily tasks, he is comfortably secure in the care department of the place where he had rented a flat, which I must dissolve within the next few weeks. I arranged for him to keep items he holds important, his paintings, books, art materials, easel … in his present care-abode.

The process of letting go of things and projections was distressing but worthwhile on both sides. After endless paperwork, bureaucratic complexities, sorting stuff, and living with ancient dust and revelations, I felt totally exhausted, and decided to recover for a few days with friends, and then take a break, once more, back in the UK, choosing a 12 hour train journey because of possible strike actions at Munich airport.

I was not cheered by a financial cover-up that, in retrospect, may (or not) have saved my marriage at a time when I felt trapped with my creative longing sans resources, all based on sad misapprehensions my father had of me over time, including blaming me for my mother’s early death. Nor was I cheered sorting through over 30 photo albums covering 16 years of Luxury Ocean cruises my father undertook with his second partner, touristy snapshots that did no credit to his past photographic excellence, earlier works of which I’ll post more in time, and which, I hope, my son will archive.

In der Eng 1953 - crossing the stream - smallerIn der Eng 1954 - crossing the stream - smallerStill, there were tender moments and highlights during this recent testing odyssey … my dad’s new appreciation of my existence, which warms the heart, and the finding of precious images from my childhood, like where I brave icy mountain streams, or cross them with my mother – memories of intensely happy times that restored my spirit.




Worth reflecting on, BBC4 broadcasted a prospect of old age that seems kind of scary in its social implications …

Should we retire the concept of aging?


Filed under Blog

19 responses to “… answers to questions we dare not ask …

  1. Without “interpreting” what a flat roof means, the fact that you jumped up onto a roof by sheer determination is a key fact – something like an answer to questions you hadn’t asked yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What an incredible story. I am sad to hear about the dynamics between you and your father. I went through similar dynamics with my mother, only we never resolved our differences.

    Aging is a tough process. I’m going through some of your dynamics with my sick husband now. Who knows what the future will bring? My heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It seems to me that modern society is obsessed with age. Huge parties for “milestone” birthdays and constant references to the “aging” population – I refuse to be a part of it – I only fill in my age on forms where it can be considered essential and will not take part in the “When you get to our age” conversations. The number behind your name is irrelevant in my opinion, it is simply a man made accounting.

    I am happy that you seem to be having the chance to agree terms with your father at this late stage. My husband had a similar experience, although never really at odds with his father he hadn’t had the chance to really known him until the very later stages of his 100 man made accounting periods 🙂 and then they became very close and it was precious to both of them and I know it is a great comfort to my husband now “Joe” is gone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, we resist being boxed into a categories that come with fixed associations. Birth and death are mysterious tresholds. Then again, nothing just starts or ends, a myth travels from one realm into the next. With slow aging some relationship knots come more into awareness, and sometimes even loosen up – a sweet solace.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s quite a thing to look back and have those complexes tweaked yet again Ashen but at the same time to remember the adventurous spirit in past times, like crossing freezing rivers. I started listening to the BBC broadcast but time is pushing. re the dream – wanting to leave the ground and how things are and gain loftier heights? That’s what comes to me … someone wanted you to do it a 2nd time – did you, in spite of knowing that trials cannot be repeated?

    Hope you’re recovering well – taking a train ride sounds like a restful thing to do … let the world go by …

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have much to thank my father for, the travelling during childhood, many practical skills, and I told him how I appreciated this. When his expectations clashed with my risk-taking spirit I paid the prize. This I often moan about, but must fully own. I glimpse a little more freedom and beauty in my life.
      Train journey’s are great for catching up on reading, if not too many platform changes are involved. It was my first time through the Eurotunnel. I prefer watching clouds.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you Ashen,
    I took care of my old father recently, I share many of your feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Maristella. What is it about fathers? My father wanted a boy. I guess that sentiment galvanised women during the last two centuries, with mixed resuts. But at least a marker was set, for human rights.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The many and varied unknowns which confront us when we enter another’s world, can be confronting and at times hurtful. Reserving judgement and recovering one’s favoured memories may be a rose coloured glasses outlook, however what else do we have but to press on with fondness and love as our partner?
    Travelling with you Ashen.B

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “…given my peculiar tolerance for uncertainty…” Good also to be open to ambiguity.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh yes, lovely photos. I wonder if you ever reached a satisfactory solution to the flat roof dream…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Cath. It’s lovely when readers find posts in my archive that bring me interesting reminders and connections.
      Re: The flat roof dream. Some decisions I made in my life were sudden, irrational, but strong. Like when I freed myself from a contract with a small publisher and used the little money I had to self publish ‘Course of Mirrors’ in 2017 (almost a year after the dream I shared here.)
      I may need a similar jump (sudden conviction) for the sequel, ‘Shapers,’ irrespective of outcome, just for the hell of it
      Who knows. A few days ago (and it’s now June 2020) I started getting back into editing the sequel, ‘Shapers,’ which has been sitting untouched since my dad died in 2018.

      Liked by 1 person

Thanks for visiting. Feel free to respond and, or, share the post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s