Having succumbed to waves of nostalgia, I’m unsure what will emerge next, which is fine for now. My father’s death at 99, while sad, is also a relief. During the last two years I’ve been on tender hooks, waiting for the telephone call, and the prospect of sorting and processing a left-behind-part of my life. As anticipated, the reality of it was exhausting. There’s no financial reward, since what’s left of my father’s estate will just about cover the bills. His furniture was too damaged to be accepted at auctions, and anything else of value he had given away to people whose support he appreciated. He resented me for not living up to his ideas, and I resented him for his total lack of support. He had fun, spending a fortune on years of luxury cruises around the world with his second partner. While often justified, resentment is entirely useless. I tried my best, so I’ll drop my misgivings and wish my dad’s soul a good journey onwards. It frees up my life.
It’s ironic, because my Dad had artistic leanings resembled my own. We only occasionally clicked, for a short while, especially when he needed me, after which he retreated into his controlling paranoid mode. He may have been jealous of the self determining freedom available to my generation. I should add that his psyche was injured by the last horrific war.
Friends in Munich and other places were my rescuers. I deeply appreciate their existence. Around the world, we shared the magical April moon.
It’s an apt moment to remember a wondrous Sufi saying – ‘Everything matters, nothing matters,’ which, for me, means I have a choice as to what things matter to me.
Once the horizon clears, I’ll pick up my editing and writing, and attend to you, my WordPress friends, and my Patreon friends: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=10520241
In case you missed my daring venture, I took the courage to ask for support from people who value the sharing of my quirky reflections. A little support goes a long way. I’m still exploring how the Patreon platform works. Beyond regular postings, I’ll share more private stories and images there, and offer rewards that only Patreons can access. It’s given me a boost to have found two friends and supporters there – big cheers and a Celtic hug to them.
For now, here are some Haiku style thoughts on time and perception, to be continued …
… a glimpse of turnings …
earth has countless realms
each held in their private time
the one-day wonders
such as mayflies and drone ants
surreal creatures in dark seas
faint glowing planktons
trillions of unknown microbes
nature dances our cells
in the whirling waltz of spring
we glimpse time turning
during rare blissful moments
the whole of our life
may rise up as one in death
curving through our myths
the worlds without and within
where we deeply imagine
and create the yet unknown …
Course of Mirrors 
Perhaps you should embark on a memoir? I am finding that it brings up with such vividness both the hurts and the kindnesses, and allows them to re-settle differently, more kinship between them.
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Yes,Philippa, I’m sure a memoir gives excellent opportunities to resettle things, with rich vignettes of hurts and kindnesses that deserve sharing, and will also enrich other lives.
In a way, my first novel is a mythology of my memoir, though I didn’t call it that. I aimed for some essence within my multiple lives. Other forms are in the waiting.
I sincerely wish you inspiration for your present project.
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Ashen, I am very sorry for your loss – an emotional time whatever the relationship between you and your father. The years between you sound tough for the most … sadly so. Hmm…an interesting idea with the patreon. How is that working for you? I’ve heard about it for other industries and a few writers but not sure how it would work for an indie writer. Food for thought. Warmest wishes to you, hugs, Annika xx
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Thanks, Annika.
The Patreon idea was new to me, and I’m curious about the potential of it providing a sustaining support. I don’t have the strong elbows to market my work, or influential mentors, or a publisher with the magic formula to frame my books in a tempting way. I’d say go for it, always worth a try …
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Ashen, I can SOOO relate to your pain. I had a terrible relationship with my parents, especially my mom. She died after five years of strokes. She lived in a retirement center but I was the one looking after her. I was an emotional wreck. Now she has been gone for ten years and I have learned to be me and dealt with my pain through writing, which I haven’t done much of lately. Breathe in the fresh air, say “Good-bye” to your dad, and enjoy being the real you. It is time to Celebrate Ashen!! You are worth love and happiness… ENJOY!! You will find peace too.
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🙂 Seems we’re the rejects, the exits, stubborn people who won’t compromise their truth. We’re punished, but the challenges clear us out from the inside, affording a spacious perspective otherwise difficult to gain.
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Remember…. we are NOT rejects!!!!!! No matter what their mindset was… we are good, intelligent, loving and stubborn people, but there is NOTHING wrong with us. Change your mindset and quit telling yourself that so you can heal. ❤
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I agree. But it’s eerie how on a deep level a father’s approval, disapproval, jealousy, silence, or even total absence, can conjure up in the imagination of a child such powerful impact on its confidence.
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I totally understand. Both of my parents’ mindset has that impact on me and I work daily to cleanse my soul. Heck, my parents have been dead over 10 years now. I work to be loved for who I am, but I do remember my parents words, scowls, back-handed actions. It takes work to forget and go on. We CAN do it!! My parents had harsh childhoods… one side was Welsh and the other side German… very strict, judgmental people, so I have WORK to do!
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Then again, it’s all food for the mill.
My novel was born of mythic imagination, from images, reflections in the mirror of my psyche – root images that grew into the creation of my reality.
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Ashen, It sounds like it has been not only a difficult time for you but also a very reflective time. You express yourself so well. I am sorry for your loss and all the recollections and thoughts that go with that is, as I am sure you know, part of the process of grieving and assimilating what has happened.
I wish you well as time moves on.
Gillian.
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Thank you Gillian ☼
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Big Love and Hugs Dear Ashen xxx
Alice
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Ah, Alice, thanks. Lovely to hear from you.
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You must remember that you’ve been given this gift of introspection. The fact that you’re wading through these feelings at all puts you ten steps in front of most. Not an easy walk, for sure, but something better lies over the horizon.
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You’re very kind, Mary. Thank you, I must give thanks to the gifts, and the blessings, and enjoy travelling lighter.
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Hi! Ashen.
The road you are travelling currently must be difficult and surprisingly enlightening.
As all the windows and doors are open through grief,we are vulnerable to the elements prevailing. Many things become clear and much time is taken up retracing
life’s encounters.
Is it possible for love to cease entirely do you think? Even under the most hideous of
conditions, can love once implanted or acquired, ever completely leave our inner world?
I wish you only beauty at this time and reflections which surge you forward.
B
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I don’t know about enlightening, B, but I travel lighter. One worries about the vulnerable. I’m of course old myself, and, miraculously in good health, despite smoking roll-ups end drinking a few glasses of red each day.
Love, I think, never ceases, despite hurts and the self-preserving decisions one makes for one’s sanity.
Beauty, yes, beauty is found everywhere for the eye of the beholder, and it instantly cheers, wherever I meet it. Thank you for your thoughts. ☼
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tender, tenter-hooks, waiting … a tough time indeed Ashen. I love that Sufi saying, everything matters, nothing matters – makes me think of mater .. mother. And your haikus are lovely too …
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Thank you, Susan. So sorry I had to miss the fascinating discussions from A to Z around Lilith on your site. Bless the dark and unknown qualities of the feminine principle in the human psyche, which gives value to doubt and all that remains unknown, and saves us from inflation.
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